Last night’s Teen Mom 2 premiere was fairly interesting, but I think a lot of us wondered where the 2-hour standard premiere went. This episode definitely lacked for content somehow, but it does appear the upcoming season will spill the tea, so we’ll just have to be patient.
Here’s my version of a cable description to get you going: Jenelle clomps around in her court heels, Leah feeds her kids a veggie platter, Chelsea keeps her wedding planning “private,” and Kail has a quarter life crisis.
(P.S. If you’re more into a video version of a recap, check out the Grace Report video at the bottom of this article.)
Before we begin, let me just thank everyone who participated in the bingo game last night. We got 2 squares away from a bingo on 3 of the cards, so it was close! But, I think the OG premiere being 2 hours helped us get a winner there, whereas the 1-hour TM2 episode last night just didn’t provide enough content. In addition, we didn’t hear much Oh-My-God-Dude’ing from Jenelle thanks to her jury trial taking up the whole episode, and Leah actually fed the girlses veggies after all the complaints from last season. I mean, who saw that coming?
So! I am going to leave the bingo game open for another round next week. If you wanna play again, leave your team name again on this article and we’ll play with fresh, clean cards next week.
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Jenelle starts off with voice over about how great everything is for her. She has her “plate full” with two boys, but she says her new boyfriend David is amazing and is finally getting used to filming. We see a brief clip of his pathetic attempt to rap for the boom mic.
For the 8,000th time, Jenelle claims she and her mom are “getting along better.” But she admits that things have gone to shit with ex and baby-daddy Nathan Griffith. She complains to her friend Jaime that this recent assault charge involving Nathan’s new girlfriend Jessica Henry could affect her “career” when she’s “older.” She says Nathan has asked Jessica to drop the charges, but Jess is “being a bitch about the whole situation.” YEAH JESS. Stop being such a bitch!
“I hate her with a passion,” says Jenelle. “She would send her mother to jail and have her child taken away.”
Ugh, there is so much wrong with this statement. Jenelle has sent her own ass to jail a dozen times, for one. Secondly, this great country called ‘Merica has a court system for a reason. You must be found guilty by a judge or, in your case, by a jury of your peers. Jessica can’t unilaterally lock your ass up, unfortunately. Thirdly, many states automatically file charges in assault cases regardless of the victim’s wishes. Fourthly, you admit you fucking hit her in the head with a glass mason jar, “accident” or not, while attempting to throw water on her, which is assault. So you admit you’re guilty but don’t want to be held accountable.
Okay, I’m sure you all knew all this, but I had to get it off my chest. This scene was infuriating.
The next day, Saturday Night Fever David drives Jenelle to her trial.
Jenelle says she’s going to file for a restraining order so Jessica can’t “pull charges on me again for no fucking reason.” I can’t even respond to this without it becoming an essay. NEXT.
Jenelle cries and thanks David for being there for her before she waddles into the courthouse in her classy court heels.
We see a large portion of the court trial.
First, Jessica Henry is called to the stand. She says Jenelle called Nathan and told him to come pick up his shit from the curb before it rained. She claims Jenelle stated she would not be home. Jessica says they pulled up to get Nathan’s stuff, she rolled her window down and “out of nowhere” she was “blindsided” with a smash to the right side of her head with something “incredibly hard.” She says it felt like a bat had hit her. She says she looked down and saw a Mason jar in her lap and then saw Jenelle “dart inside the house.”
Jenelle’s attorney Amy gets a chance to cross-examine Jessica. She gets Jessica to admit that this whole thing is largely related to the custody case involving baby Kaiser.
“And part of your purpose for pursuing these charges is to help with the custody of his case, correct?” asks Amy.
“You’re right,” says Jessica, “It probably doesn’t look good to be a mother and assault people.”
Amy posits that Jessica went “looking for a fight that night,” but Jessica says that’s “all opinion” and she would never willfully put herself around crazypants Jenelle. She’ll only be around crazypants if it’s giving her peen.
Next, the prosecution calls Nathan to the stand. He reiterates Jessica’s timeline, but adds that after the event, Jenelle called him twice begging him to not call the cops. Nathan says he told Jessica to not do anything because it would make it harder to see Kaiser, and he’d already only seen him once in eight months.
Amy cross-examines Nathan and asks, “You’re notorious for being a button pusher with Miss Evans, aren’t you?”
Nathan acts confused and says, “….A button pressure?” But he insists he wants nothing to do with Jenelle and in fact Jenelle is the one constantly trying to contact him. He says he only communicates with boyfriend David, who he says goes on Twitter and “blashes” him. Nathan asks Amy why he can’t see his son.
Amy, looking mighty fine in her Freddie Krueger sweater, takes the opportunity to make her case.
“It goes back to the heart of the matter. This is all about a custody case, Your Honor.”
Next, we see Jenelle called to the stand. She claims she was just innocently “making some water” when she looked out the window and saw Nathan pull up. She went outside and Jessica said something to her which she can’t remember because it was “so long ago.” I mean, if someone made me angry enough to throw a drink at them, I’d probably remember what it was… but I digress. She insists that she took Jessica as a threat so she went to throw water in her face, and the glass just–WHOOPS!–slipped out of her hand.
I get it. Happens to me like every other day, you know?
She says she went to walk, er run, back inside because she was so frightened. She claims Jessica picked up the glass and threw it at her as she was leaving the scene. Apparently it’s a life-threatening event when Jessica throws it from afar and misses, but not when Jenelle is point-blank and hits someone’s head. #JenelleLogic
Jenelle cries and makes herself the victim saying Nathan threatened to take Kaiser from her and it was “disrespectful” to bring Jessica there to begin with.
While waiting for the verdict, Jenelle and David sit in the hallway. She panics and cries worrying her life is over if she’s finally held accountable for some crime she’s actually committed. Jenelle whines “How could they do this to me?” while David tries to pin these evil people as just not caring about Jenelle, those heartless bastards.
“Like, I’m never going to forgive them for this,” she sobs. I’m sure that crushes them.
Well, lucky for Jenelle, she had her lucky court stah again. They re-enter the courtroom, and the court’s clerk announces she’s found not guilty. Jenelle cries again, this time with immense relief.
Jessica is clearly dumbfounded, since Jenelle basically admitted to the assault on the stand. She looks back at Nathan then shakes her head.
Leah’s scenes this episode can basically be summarized as “Methinks The Lady Doth Protest Too Much.” 10 seconds in, Leah is complaining that she feels like she’s forgetting something on her way to take the girlses to a t-ball game that will be coached by their dad Corey.
“I never feel like this. Why do I feel like this right now?” she sighs.
The girlses get in a “She touched me!” fight in the back seat while Leah runs back inside to find her car keys. When she comes back, the girls start trying to tattle on each other, but Leah’s voice gets downright demonic when she asks if they’ve seen the keys. Gracie tries to up the ante by claiming Ali choked her with her seatbelt, but Leah ain’t got time for that.
Leah runs back inside and hides in the basement stairwell having a panic attack and crying.
“Every time MTV is here, something like this has to happen! Every time!”
Somehow, she calms herself down and finds her keys. The girls were “a little late” for their game, and she admits the whole ordeal was stressful. So the next day, Leah has her cousin Chasity over to talk about how crazy her life is.
And this is the moment I knew bingo had gone horribly awry. To keep them occupied, Leah feeds the girlses a veggie platter next to a 24-case of purified water. I did not see that coming.
Leah is really upset about MTV catching the key-losing scene. She had a panic attack because she was also afraid of Corey and Miranda thinking she was incompetent after she’d made so much progress. (Girlfriend, you need a Tile! Let me help you out.) She insists it happened the one time MTV was filming, and Chasity parrots back how much Leah has changed and improved on her time management.
Leah loads the girlses up to meet Jermy. He’s leaving out of town for 4 months for a job in the Dakotas, so he’s spending some time with Addie now. When Leah goes to pick her back up, she really puts the stress on baby Addie, telling her how very difficult it will be to not see her daddy for four whole months. Addie seems unconcerned because she’s got a to-go container of fried goodies to drown her sorrows.
We start this season with Kail complaining about the latest Teen Mom 2 reunion, where Javi was unexpectedly Skyped into the conversation with Dr. Drew. There is some behind the scenes footage of Kail leaving the set and seeking comfort from co-star Chelsea while she cries about ruining her life and her marriage. She tells us in voice over that she and Javi have not talked about their problems since the reunion, but Javi still calls to talk to the boys.
In order to deal with her “quarter life crisis” Kail decides to go skydiving.
Kail rushes home to brag to Isaac about jumping out of a plane. Isaac asks “How did you jump out of a plane if you are not dead by now?”
Friend Gigi comes over and Kail is thrilled to brag again about how brave and fearless and awesome she is for going skydiving. She says she went skydiving because she’s going through shit in her life and wanted to do something crazy. I mean, skydiving is better than, like, drugs, but come on. So passe and unimpressive. I mean, even George H. W. Bush did that shit when he was 90 years old.
They talk about the reunion, and Kail admits she broke down when Jo was telling Dr. Drew how much happier Kail is without Javi around.
Next, we Javi Facetime a hunky stateside friend named Darius. They talk about Javi and Kail’s disintegrating marriage. Raise your hand if you were playing bingo and shamelessly rooting for Javi to cry.
Come on. Cry! Just one little crocodile tear! Damnit!
Later, Kail and Gigi meet up for dinner with Jo, Vee, Isaac and Vivi to celebrate Isaac graduating from kindergarten. Isaac hides behind his menu, and Kail tells him to stop acting inappropriately. Isaac whimpers that he wants his dad, his “other dad.” Jo tries to tell Isaac how proud he is, but Javi steals the thunder with a Facetime call.
Baby Vivi loudly cries throughout this entire Facetime, and everyone watching wonders why Vee didn’t step away for a moment so we could hear Javi without captions.
Producer Mandi shows up to film with Adam Lind. He refuses to answer the door because he’s “napping.” Mandi calls him and says this is their scheduled filming time which he knew about, but he swears at her and makes her wait outside for 45 minutes. When they are finally let in, the crew sees Adam trying to convince Aubree and Paisley to come down from sort of weird perch they’ve built themselves. I’m wondering who was watching these girlses while he was napping, because this doesn’t look especially safe!
Adam gives up on making them come down, so he sits down with Mandi to complain about how MTV has portrayed him. If you recall, at the last Teen Mom 2 reunion, Adam made a big production about being Maci-level “done” with filming this show. He thinks MTV has it out to portray him as a bad dad, e.g., missing the daddy-daughter dance.
Adam goes on to make a completely nonsensical argument that Mandi should have filmed that one time he went to an overnight school event with Aubree. Mandi says nobody knew about it because he didn’t tell anyone he was going, and he says “Exactly! You know about everything because Chelsea informs you.”
Mandi and the millions of people watching are like “What?” She asks why he didn’t tell her himself, and his defense is “I shouldn’t have to!” I think some small part of Adam begins to realize how stupid his reasoning is, and he just shuts down the conversation with repeated calls of “It’s bullshit!”
Finally, we see Chelsea like 3/4 of the way into this episode. She tells Aubree they’re going to go pick up her dress for the upcoming wedding. The next day, Chelsea and her friends Chelsey Grace (Bingo!) and Britnee sit on the porch and talk about Adam supposedly quitting the show. She invites them to come for Aubree’s dress fitting but the conversation is cut short when they all run from a wasp.
Chelsea, Aubree, grandma Mary and the two friends show up to watch Aubree try on her dress. Aubree falls in love with it and can’t wait to show off her dance moves during the wedding. Pretty adorable if somewhat banal of a storyline.
After the fitting, they all go out to eat. The producer asks why Chelsea won’t allow her own dress shopping to be filmed, and Chels does her whole “I just want some private moments for myself” spiel. She actually seems quite exasperated, as if the producers have been hounding her about this for a while.
So what did you all think of the Teen Mom 2 premiere? Was it as underwhelming to you as it was to me?
Don’t forget to check out this Grace Report recap! She is hilarious and keeps it real!