Hey y’all! I got a little behind on the Teen Mom news this week, so I want to make it up to you all with a fun throwback recap. Since we know how these OG girls ended up today, I thought it’d be cool to go back to the very beginning and see how it all lines up! So here is your throwback recap of Season 1 Episode 1 of Teen Mom, air date of December 2009.
We begin with this gem: “My baby’s daddy isn’t in the picture, so I’ve been doing it alone.” I’m not sure at what point they first bring up Derrick’s death, but the wording here makes it sound like he’s a deadbeat. Not cool.
Farrah’s juggling working at BW3’s, “modeling,” culinary school and Sophia. She laments with two random friends who I don’t remember at all, Travis and Brad, about how she hasn’t dated since she gave birth. So now she’s going out with some guy for ice cream.
Farrah tells Debra about the plan and Debra says it’s not fair to Sophia for her to be dating. Farrah says it’s not a date and besides “[Sophia] doesn’t even care.” Debra insists that the guy comes in the house to introduce himself.
Farrah goes for her ice cream non-date with this guy named Cole—not to be confused with Saint Coley DeBoer. It’s kind of ironic to see because now Farrah essentially owns an ice cream parlor! The two met while modeling together. Farrah asks him a barrage of questions and learns that Cole is going to attend college for pre-optometry. Farrah has no idea what that means. When he explains, she tells him she should just say he’s going to be a “vision specialist.”
Cole tells Farrah, “You’re gorgeous,” and she responds, “I know.” He then compliments Sophia’s name and she says “I know!” again. Ugh. Farrah tells him she quit cheerleading because her squad wasn’t supportive of her. Cole doesn’t even act like he gives a shit.
Later, Farrah’s older sister Ashley talks to her about dating. Ashley tells her that she should be focusing on Sophia. Debra tags in and Farrah begins her typical “Oh my God” meltdown, but Ashley tells Debra to back off so she can berate Farrah by herself. She then smugly informs Farrah that she made a microwave pizza incorrectly and says, “And you’re gonna be a chef?” Does it surprise you that Farrah defends her incorrect pizza cooking? Because she does. Staunchly.
Oh boy. Farrah and Cole go out again and they talk about how he’s going to “meet the family” after their meal. I really thought this scene occurred much later in the series! But here we go!
At the gaudy Abraham home, Debra tells Cole that he can call her overprotective and a bitch, but she wants to get to know more about the guys that Farrah dates. She first asks him how many serious relationships he’s been in (answer: 2) and asks why those didn’t work out. Cole says the girls cheated on him, so honesty is very important to him. She then asks what else is important to him in a relationship, and he admits his “shallow” answer is physical attraction.
Debra tears him a new one for that answer and insists that due to their religious background, they believe in abstinence before marriage. (Unless, of course, you happen to “leak” a “celebrity sex tape,” then we’re totally okay with that. Just buy me another liquid facelift!) She then asks about Cole’s religious background. Cole admits that his family doesn’t go to church and he’s not really religiously affiliated, so Debra asks him to come to church with them because… You guessed it!
“We would love to have you go to heaven with all of us.”
Not. Creepy. At. All!
Farrah and Cole then go to a house party and they sit in a circle while all her friends interrogate him again. She tells them she’s glad that Debra didn’t “scare him away.” Cole is a complete ignoramus and says Deb wants him to marry Farrah.
Later, Farrah is done slinging the nasty wings at B-Dubs, so she sits down to talk to her two guy pals from earlier. She says a girl messaged her saying that Cole was in a relationship with her. Farrah’s friend Brad apologizes for setting them up. She says she wants both of these guys to come with her when she confronts Cole, but first she needs to find someone to watch Sophia.
Farrah goes home to tell Debra about the situation. Debra’s immediate response is “So he lied to me.” Yes, it’s all about you Debby! She then tells Farrah to move on and not waste her time or gas for this 6-hour roundtrip while leaving Sophia behind. They argue. But we soon learn that Debra caves and Farrah and her friends leave to confront Cole.
The Three Musketeers arrive in some random town in the middle of nowhere and Cole shows up to meet them for dinner. It’s all casual chitchat to start until Farrah asks about the girl. Cole insists he wasn’t with that girl the night before he met Farrah’s family. They call the girl and she confirms her story that he was with her that night. Farrah asks if he has anything to say for himself but he doesn’t apologize until she suggests he should.
Present Day Analysis:
* Debra is the textbook definition of ‘hypocrite.’
* Michael knows his place at this point, i.e., to be seen and not heard. He literally doesn’t say a word the entire episode. Unsure at what point he grew a pair.
* Not all Cole’s are patron saints of unwed teenage mothers.
* The only thing about Farrah that’s changed in the past 7 years is her face.
Cate has some whackadoodle eyeshadow going on here! But it’s really nice to see she put in some effort.
Cate is 12 weeks post-partum and goes to see her doctor for birth control. She tells the doc she wants the Mirena IUD. Before inserting it, the doctor asks her to be sure she has not had sex since her last period and to be sure there’s no chance she’s pregnant. Cate is hesitant, but says she’s good to go. Tyler looks freaked out during the insertion and later confronts Cate saying, “You lied!” Cate says she was afraid she wouldn’t be able to get the IUD if she was honest.
Tyler admits that it’s totally stupid for them to be having unprotected sex. Guys, we are THREE MONTHS post-adoption and these two are at it like rabbits with no protection. Wow.
Tyler asks what she would want to do if she did get pregnant, and Cate says she has no idea. Sounds like a plan!
Later, Cate is packing to go back home to live with her mom and Butch. Tyler doesn’t want to go with her because he thinks Butch needs to make the first move toward making amends with him. He is worried that Carly will be brought up and it will cause a huge argument.
Butch drives a pedo van to come pick Cate up and bring her back. Butch admits that he’s still ashamed and disgusted with Tyler over the adoption. April puts her arm around Cate while Butch goes on and on about how bad their decision was. At this point, April is smiling and supportive of Cate while they go look at baby photos of Carly.
Later, Cate and Ty grill out with some friends. Tyler’s sister is there donning the biggest hoop earrings available at Claire’s.
She asks about Butch and Tyler making up. Tyler says he hopes Butch goes back to prison so he can have some peace. He never expected the adoption to tear his family apart.
Present Day Analysis:
* At one point, Cate and Ty had a jammin’ unprotected sex life. Huh.
* Cate used to have a lot of fun playing with her hair and makeup.
* Ty has done a 180 on Butch and is now his number one fan.
* Baby photos of Carly look SO MUCH like baby Nova.
Maci’s introduction begins, “Hi, I’m Maci, and I lost my virginity to my high school boyfriend Rhiiiine!” Methinks the lady doth protest too much!
Maci is currently engaged to Ryan even though she tore off the ring in her 16 & Pregnant episode. Mimi Jen asks if the wedding is still on for October 3 and reminds them it’s only 2 1/2 months away. Maci suggests having the wedding in her parents’ backyard. Mimi Jen tells them that if they take a 4-hour marriage workshop she’ll help out with the wedding and pay for the honeymoon. Damn Mimi!
Ryan, Maci and Bentley go out to eat. Maci asks if Ryan feels ready for marriage and he sounds surprisingly confident in saying yes. Bentley is just being adorable the whole time. \
On the way home, Maci laments that she wants a big wedding but doesn’t want to plan it. Ryan says he can’t help much because he’s working out of town a lot. Maci worries that he’ll hate everything she picks, but he assures he really just doesn’t give a shit about the details.
Maci is “overwhelmed with work.” She’s doing some sort of office job—I think she works for her parents at this point—and Bentley is playing with all the paperwork. She says Ryan will be gone for a whole month for work. She goes out to drink with some friends and reveals her honeymoon will be in Cancun. She and the girls later look through bridal mags to find gowns for her. Maci is sad that her friends will be leaving out of town for college in a few weeks.
Back on their couches, Maci and Ryan talk about his upcoming work trip. They play rock-paper-scissors over who has to change Bentley’s diaper. (Spoiler Alert: Maci loses.)
Early the next morning, Maci begs Ryan to not leave her. They exchange a ton of “I Love Yous” before Ryan heads out.
Present Day Analsyis:
- Hot damn! I forgot how foxy Ryan was before his eyes got all buggy. No wonder Maci was all in lust with him. He’s like a cross between James Franco and James Dean.
- Maci looks exactly the same.
- Maci planning her wedding with Ryan was even more unenthusiastic than her wedding planning with Taylor. Maci is just seriously unexciting in general.
- Maci is perpetually overwhelmed with everything.
- Bentley was freaking adorable as a baby and grew up to be a super handsome kid.
- Mimi Jen would sell her own soul to have Ryan marry Maci. Her going rate now is TWO honeymoons!
- At this point, Papa Larry would probably still piss on Ryan if he was on fire.
Amber explains that she and Gary broke up after 16 & Pregnant, but Gary begged for her back. Now he works all day as a CNA, but she’s already dropped out of high school to stay home and take care of Leah.
OH GOD. It’s already started! BEW BEW!!
Amber says Gary does “more complaining than helping.” For instance, he comes home and tells Amber to put pants on the baby since she’s crawling around and hurting her knees since they ain’t got no Persian rugs. They argue over Gary not getting formula on his way home and Amber begs him to take Leah with him to the store to get it. She says Leah needs to spend time outside the house and she needs a mommy break, but Gary is annoyed at the effort of strapping the kid in and bringing her along for what would otherwise be a 10 minute errand. He ends up taking Leah.
The next day, Amber and a friend take Leah out to eat at a cheesy Mexican place. Amber complains about Leah whining and crying at the restaurant. The friend offers to hold Leah so Amber can eat, but Amber decides to just get out of dodge. She further complains that her life consists of “watching four walls” at home all day. (Just wait ‘til it’s 4 barred walls, ayyyyyy!)
Soon after, Amber goes to the doctor because she’s been having panic attacks and is under a lot of stress. The doctor asks how long she’s had anxiety, and Amber says it’s been going on for 2 years. She admits that she is depressed and doesn’t want to get out of bed, and that the only thing that gets her up is Leah coming to her bed and waking her up. The doc refers her to a psychiatrist but starts her on medication in the meantime.
Back home, we see Amber truly has been a Marilyn fan for years.
Gary gets home and Amber tells him that the doc gave her Klonopin. He asks what started this issue and she says stress and… stress. When she takes the pill, Gary jokes that Leah will see the “nice side of mommy” tonight. Amber freaks out and Gary asks if she’s stressed, which causes her to freak out even more. She says Gary is “97% of the reason” she’s stressed, and Gary says, “So Leah is only 3% of it?” Gary tries to say he loves her and gets up to kiss her. Amber acts like she’s falling in love with him all over again, even though he pissed her off 3 seconds ago.
Present Day Analysis:
- 7 years later, Amber still doesn’t want to get out of bed.
- The horror of “Bew Bew” started much earlier than I remembered.
- Gary is hot and cold. It’d probably drive me nuts, too.
- Amber was the most annoyed by a baby being a baby. (Maci was definitely the least annoyed.)
So what are your thoughts, guys? Did you remember a lot of this? I feel like my brain is a black hole sometimes, and I didn’t remember a lot of this stuff.
Do you think these girlses have grown up now, or are you surprised to see they’re actually still the same?